Mom makes ‘dumb joke’ on social media, lesbian daughter discovers it. ‘She wants to ruin Christmas.’ AITA?

“AITA for making a dumb joke on Facebook two years ago?”

Me (59F) and my daughter (35F) are in a fight because of Facebook. Facebook is still the only social media I use. But my husband (62M) suggested that I should create an account here and ask Reddit if I’m the AH. So here goes.

My daughter and her wife (36F) eloped in 2016. She came out to me 10 years before that, so I’d already come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t going to marry a man and have a traditional wedding. But I was really upset when she went behind my back and got married without telling me.

Anyway, fast-forward to two years ago. I was up late and loopy from my Ambien. I was scrolling through Facebook and commented on a photo of a “girl next door” type who was standing next to a guy whose whole face was covered in tattoos and piercings.

Again, this was back in 2021, so the details are a little fuzzy now, but I think the caption said something to the effect of, “What would YOU do if your daughter brought THIS guy home?” Most people said things like, “I’m gonna go get my shotgun,” but I thought it would be funnier to say “oh thank GOD!”

Well, apparently, as I found out this morning, my daughter saw the comment—and she’s been mad about it ever since. I told her it was a joke, and I asked her why she waited two whole years to bring it up. She didn’t really answer the question, but she said she was so offended by it that she’s probably not coming for Christmas this year.

But she’s been at our house for the last two Christmases, no problem, and she just came to Thanksgiving a few weeks ago. So I think she’s seriously overreacting here. It was just a dumb joke. I didn’t mean anything by it. And it happened such a long time ago. It’s unfair for her to retroactively punish me.

I didn’t even think anybody I knew would ever see the comment, let alone my own daughter. My profile is set to private, so I still don’t know how she saw it. (I asked her if she had hacked into my account, but she just laughed, called me a “Boomer,” and told me I don’t know how Facebook works.)

So now she wants to ruin Christmas over something that happened two years ago. And my husband already told my daughter (his stepdaughter) that it’s perfectly fine if she wants to skip Christmas this year. So now I’m mad at him, but both of them are mad at me. AITA?

Here’s what top commenters had to say about this one:

_Yer_Auld_Da_ said:

YTA, ambien causes you to be delirious, not homophobic. It also wasn’t a joke. It’s social media, who else is going to get that joke? You even say you didnt think anyone you knew would see it, so who’s the joke for? Who’s going to see the woman going “thank god.”

Put two and two together, and go. “Her daughter must be a lesbian.” You know, unless they’re also homophobic. Your husband is right though, she should be able to skip Christmas, your daughter was right to elope.

You are also aware a traditional wedding isn’t a gender thing right? Traditional means white dress, big cake, church. Traditional doesn’t mean people with the same bits can’t love each other.

Honestly you sound like a kind of hateful person who’ll latch onto anything to not seem like the bad guy [I was on ambien so I made a comment] or [my daughter, his stepdaughter]. He’s more supportive of his kid than you are and he didn’t even biologically donate, just cares about her as a person.

dilley07 said:

Am I the ahole for making a homophobic joke about my daughter on a public platform and trying to play it off as a reaction to a sleeping pill? Yes. YTA.

THROWRAhickory said:

YTA. You literally disrespected her wife on a public platform? You said you’d rather her bring a guy (who was clearly the butt of a bad Facebook meme) home than her actual wife. How do you not see how insulting that is to her relationship?

No-Particular-6567 said:

YTA and your homophobia is apparently throughout your entire post. You’re not as secretive about it which would likely be why you weren’t invited to her wedding.

ChoppedGoat said:

YTA – That wasn’t a joke, that was you letting the mask slip and venting. Own up to what you did, accept it, analyze it, apologize for it and hopefully heal together. “I did nothing wrong. Plus I didn’t think I could even get caught, so you must have hacked into my account” – That’s some BS right there.

ThatOneValorantGuy said:

YTA. Your daughter eloped behind your back. How is that not getting through to you? That speaks volumes to me. She didn’t feel comfortable having her mother at her wedding.

It’s obvious she’s dealt with years of homophobia. It’s also pretty likely you make your daughter in law extremely uncomfortable. Apologize and do everything you can to mend your relationship before it gets worse or before it’s too late.

roymondous said:

YTA – yeah it comes across very pointed. In person, I get how it could come across as a joke and tongue in cheek if you laugh about it and clearly show it’s a joke. On Facebook, in writing, with the history you have and the obvious disappointment you have – and no doubt showed her – it will not come across well.

At best, it’s an insult. At worst, it shows you really dislike and disapprove of her being gay. And I would bet there’s a lot more behind that and her decision to elope and note invite you to the wedding. There’s some clear issues there that this stoked and provoked…

It looks like no one was on this mom’s side for this one. What’s your advice for this family?